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Thoughts on 5 years. [26 Apr 2011|01:41am]
There’s me looking down at my shoes
The one smiling like the sun that’s you
What were you thinking?
What was the song inside your head?
There’s us going on about a band
Working out how we’d play our hands
I lay there dreaming later all alone in my bed
If I was stupid maybe careless so were you

Not everything is supposed to come true
Some words are best unsaid some love is not really love at all
I’ll keep everything I shared with you
And that’s enough there’s us

Freeze frame I’m not about to cry
Its too late for us to change why try
I've got a camera tucked away inside my heart
If I’m a loser or just unlucky so are you

Not everything is supposed to come true
Some words are best unsaid some love is not really love at all
I’ll keep everything I shared with you
And that’s enough there’s us

Somewhere between then and now
I looked away when you said we’ll never change
And if you think we might have been
You’ll lose today and we’ve got songs to play

Not everything is supposed to come true
Some words are best unsaid some love is not really love at all
I’ll keep everything I shared with you
And that’s enough there’s us
do you love me?

....wish the world was for me, rather than against me.... [04 Nov 2004|09:23am]
[ mood | drained ]

LONG TIME.....damn. journal, we go wayyy back. way back to some things of those entries that id rather not remember. Now, things are different and many things have changed. School's good, im goin to Montco now...im not having any problems in my classes anymore except with juggling all this art at one time, trying to hand them in on time and meeting deadlines. Im sure that id be fired by now if i worked for a magazine or something. Ha. Hopefully ill get better at that. Things have been slowly but surely coming together...only what i didnt know was that it would take THIS long, and the puzzle pieces of my life are STILL not together. But i guess, you can only expect so much from me.

Today is such an odd day....its so solumn and cold outside. The trees are loosing their leaves and some even their color..turning a pitiful brown. It doesnt look cold, but the fridgid air stings your face, and its only early november. All the smokers arent smokin their usuals...its kinda annoying, but only bc everyones inside and its more crowded than usual.

THIS IS THE WORST...everyyyy frickin place i look, i see Mike. I think God is perposely tourturing me. I see guys walking aroud that at first glance look like him...making me do a double-take, and then discourage sets in. Someone was wearing his Led Zeppelin shirt that he bought at the beach last summer and he let me wear on our first ferris wheel ride together bc i was cold. I turn on the radio, and its usually coldplay or a song that reminds me of him....ahhh. everywhere i go! i cant do anyyything without thinking about him. I dont know what to do. i just dont... nothings easy.

todays my moms birthday, shes freakin 45. what in the world can i get her?

do you love me?

whatever [09 May 2004|12:13am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

people piss me the fuck off. theyre so goddamn stupid. is there really a need to gossip? is there really a need to go and talk about people? especially the one i care about most and about me? like what the fuck guys. its happened numerous times and it all started in the beginning for no reason at all. rumors? yea ive learned to not let em bother me, but that doesnt mean that i cant be sick and tired of people trying to get in other peoples business when they have no need to be!??! i mean like fucking aye. come on. sometimes its the faces you see everyday, your best friends the people you work with, and even people that you dont even know and have never met in your entire life. the world is a decieving place....be careful. im only trying to get everything i can out of everyday.

do you love me?

days go by... [18 Apr 2004|08:52am]
[ mood | mellow ]

With a little love, and some tenderness
We'll walk upon the water
We'll rise above the mist
With a little peace, and some harmony
We'll take the world together
We'll take 'em by the hand

'Cause I've got a hand for you
'Cause I wanna run with you

Yesterday, I saw you standing there
Your head was down, your eyes were red
No comb had touched your hair
I said get up, and let me see you smile
We'll take a walk together
Walk the road awhile, 'cause

'Cause I've got a hand for you
I've got a hand for you
'Cause I wanna run with you
Won't you let me run with you? yeah

Hold my hand
Want you to hold my hand
Hold my hand
I'll take you to a place where you can be
Hold my hand
Anything you wanna be because
I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can

See I was wasted, and I was wasting time
'Till I thought about your problems, I thought about your crimes
Then I stood up, and then I screamed aloud
I don't wanna be part of your problems
Don't wanna be part of your crowd, no

'Cause I've got a hand for you
I've got a hand for you
'Cause I wanna run with you
Ah, won't you let me run with you?

Hold my hand
Want you to hold my hand
Hold my hand
I'll take you to the promised land
Hold my hand
Maybe we can't change the world but
I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can, yeah

Hold my hand
Want you to hold my hand
Hold my hand
I'll take you to a place where you can be
Hold my hand
Anything you wanna be because

Hold my hand
Want you to hold my hand
Hold my hand
I'll take you to the promised land
Hold my hand
Maybe we can't change the world but
I wanna love you the best that, best that I can
Oh, The best that I can


Every time I look at you, I go blind.
Every time I look at you, I go blind.
In the mornin' I get up, and I try to
Feel alive, but I can't.
Every time I look at you, I go blind.
I don't know what it is.
Something in me just won't give me a chance.
I think it's that I feel more confused
By the deal love has shown me.
Little child, did you know that there's a light,
And it's gonna shine right through your eyes.
What do you think that life is like?
Every time I look at you, I go blind.
I go blind
Well some where over there there's a purpose,
There's a care for free
In me there's no body, no one plan,
No one stand to be free.
I think it's that because I have seen all the fuss
And it's no big deal. No big deal.
Hold me, hold me 'cause I want to get higher and higher,
Higher than life.


Yeah I’m tangled up and blue
I only wanna be with you
You can call me a fool
I only wanna be with you

Sometimes I wonder
If it'll ever end
You get so mad at me
When I go out with my friends

Sometimes you’re crazy
And you wonder why
I’m such a baby yeah
The dolphins make me cry

Well there’s nothing I can do
I only wanna be with you
You can call me a fool
I only wanna be with you

do you love me?

here i am again [09 Apr 2004|12:02pm]
[ mood | rejected ]

Walls are falling down...

Storms are closing in...

Tears have filled my eyes...

Here I am again...

do you love me?

long bullshit day in school [30 Mar 2004|03:02pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

ive felt out of place for the past few days and i couldnt figure out why. i would sit there in class and not be able to concentrate for some reason. my mind was ALL over the place. ive finally come to the conclusion in 10th period today - its because mike's not here!

i know he keeps me in check...but he is part of my schedule too. hes been off my schedule for for almost 4 whole days now. and honestly i miss his bear hugs and his kisses and his mercy matches and the way i lean on his shoulder at lunch. i mean, i had no reason to rush out of class becuase there was no mike there waiting for me on the corner, there was no smile, there was no hand to hold, and there was no mike there to joke around with...so ive hung around a little after class and took my time in the hallways instead of being the first one out the door as soon as that bell rings. i walk with my friends and stuff, but its not the same. i guess ive missed him more than i thought! and my thoughts in class were things like, "i wonder which roller coaster hes on right now"..."what did his freinds say about me last night while he was on the phone with me?"..."which park is he in right now?"..."is he going along with what his friends do that have to do with girls?"..."did he forget about me?"..."did he get mickey's autograph?"..."does he even miss me?"..."i hope i get to see him when he gets home"..."when can i give him his present?"..."what is he doing in clearwater? whats it like?"

but then i think of what i did in disney on my jr class trip last year and i worried a little less. i think of how much fun it was even though:

*i stayed in a room in which one of the girls i wasnt friendly with
*i walked around with a few people that were friends with my friends whom i COULD NOT STAND
*i missed mike terribly...no one to watch the fireworks with or a hand to hold on the scarey rides or no one to dance with
*i didnt go on as many rides as the first time i was in disney bc the group we walked around with were freakin party poopers and were SO CLUELESS
*i didnt dance AT ALL after the polynesian luau...i sat and watched and went outside and walked around the whole 3 hour dance
*we didnt even go to animal kingdom!

well i know how much i missed him then. it sucks when you are in such an awesome atmosphere without the one you love bc then it cant be fully enjoyed and you cant share such a good time with them. so after looking back at my disney trip, i say to myself, "dont be silly. mike loves you, he'll be FINE. and yes he is having fun." haha no im not a skitz...but sometimes you have to mentally talk to yourself to clam yourself down or to keep yourself out of trouble or to keep from feeling a certian way. you like, stable yourself. heh, hes prob gunna read this and be like wow shes gay...haha but i dont care. its allllll good.

well, except for the fact that i didnt hear from him last night. that i AM upset about. he told me the night before last that he would call around 1 am bc he was going to be in clearwater that day. so i said ok...and yesterday i had it arranged so that my brother, my sister, and my mom would stay off the internet so when he called he would go though. well i waited up on the couch with a blanket until about midnight when i fell asleep. i woke up at 2:30, brought the phone to bed with me where it sat right next to my head so i would hear it ring. this morning i woke up and was like, he didnt call me did he. i looked at the phone and remembered our caller id doesnt work, nor does its answering machine. i checked the other answering machine we had hooked up and i had no messages. i was sad :( hopefully he didnt forget about me and he just fell asleep or something. o well. i really hope i can see him tonite. but im gunna get off this damn computer....got lots to do. sigh. what a shitty day.

do you love me?

*giggles* ....sugar is good :) [15 Feb 2004|12:26pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

sitting here....on some kind of sugar high ((from the valentine candy i scored this morning)) & waiting for Lick to wake the hell up...i mean, WHO in their right mind sleeps in til 3 !?! normal people? roar. define normal. o0o0o maybe shes got my autographs of SoCo!! woot. i ::heart:: Something Corporate :)

and this works out great 4 me :
my grandfather has a bad cold and wont be able to take me to West Chester U. 2morrow....and since my essay for the application hasnt been revised by Mrs. Rieger yet....she will be able to do so on thursday and i can hand in my stuff to WCU for the rescheduled appt. yea man.

oh HAH get this.....my father is SUCH a hypocrite dude. he wants me to spend time with him for like an hour or so on Sundays after church rite....and he absolutely DEMANDS that i go to church everrrryyy sunday or he flips the shit.


last nite he calls me up and ws all like, are you going to church tomorrow? i was like, WHAT i have a CHOICE? and he goes, well yeah your old enough to do what you want so its your decision whether you go or not....and i was like HOLY FUCKIN SHIT!!!!!! WHOSE mouth are these words coming from? it about DAMN TIME he realizes this... well HELL ill be 18 in 8 days for cryin out loud. ((omg...*yay* i didnt realize how soon!))stupid dumbass. but then i bet he'll change his mind about that one real quick when he finds out what im planning on doing......ooo *SMACK* in ya face! baaaah

hmm i should probly call licers huh....wake her ass up. yeeep.

do you love me?

...wasnt expecting this kind of result.... [15 Feb 2004|12:00am]
[ mood | awake ]

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare.You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmm how interesting....o well what can i say, it's me. :)

do you love me?

happy valentines day....or whatever [14 Feb 2004|09:41pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

life is a challenge....and just becuz its challenging, doesnt mean you have to quit life. your world may stop turning for a lil while, and thats okay, everybody hits a flat line in their life...but know that tomorrow is a new day, you never know the future holds. life goes on and on and on.......
....and so, this is what im going on day by day. and eh, what can i say? whatever happens happens. sometimes its gets me through and sometimes it doesnt. im supossed to believe that everything will be okay, becuz everything happens for a reason....but you know what....DAMN this one. i so wish life had a rewind button, there are so many things i wish i wouldnt/would have done/said/seen/heard ..... i hate regrets. some people/things dont even give you a chance to fix or change things, but i guess thats the way it is.

today i realized that i have lots of friends and i know lots of people, some are good friends, i have a few Really good friends, but i dont have a best friend anymore. its weird. i used to have someone to do something with always.....like sisters. i was ALWAYS over her house, i was her mothers third daughter, her siblings were my family....i called her parents mom and dad. i mean, we grew up together. she and her fam were ALWAYS there when i needed to talk, needed a hug, or to just run away from home. when my mom & dad wanted to move to virginia, she would write on my walls and bulliton board saying ~jenna dont move! be are best friends forever! we're gunna be in eachothers wedding! ~ But when the time came when i actually did move, (not to virginia obviously) we started to not talk as much, and we were hanging out less and less. Now it has come down to this: she has been at me & my moms apt once in the past 2 years, i call about once a week to see if she can hang out and she almost never can, and i see her in the hallways at school.

we drifted and its not supossed to turn out this way. its kinda weird....and it makes me severely second guess myself in tons of ways. what if i had stayed at my dads? would i still be best friends with her? is it me? is it my family that drives everyone that i love dearly away? why have i been damned like this....whats THIS reason? but im basically like whatever now because everytime i think its all good and im insanely happy, something shitty happens......and it fucks everything up. im tryin to change my entire ways of living here, stuff needs to get out of my way. guess i just gotta "take it as it comes". however 2003 was pretty much the best year of my life ... for a billion reasons and one major special one. its NeVeR to be forgotten, and im not about to make it my last.

do you love me?

holla L.J. [12 Feb 2004|11:33pm]
[ mood | confused ]

i had a *wonderful* day everyone. was in a great mood today for some odd reason, (maybe its cuz love is in the air??) nothing was bothering me and my mind was clear. i bought mikey a rose in school during 1st period from DECA, not sure if he truely liked it, but he appreciated it. on the card i asked him if he would be my valentine, but left it annoymous so his friends wouldnt be all weird. but after class, he just looked at me and said "yes" ....*yAy* i got a valentine now! hehe. after school.... had just an AmAzInG time. hung out, made some interesting food, and stupidass burned the counter top...lol. wish i could do that more often. but tonight man....when i went to the gym....i was PISSED. ::thisclose:: to tellin Tina that im quitting. there was like frikkin smoke comin out my ears...and it was over something SO GAY too. i didnt know that we were having a mock meet tonite since i havent been there in 2 nights because i got a bit injured on monday night, and been restin up. so jaci tells me (as im WALKIN OUT THE DOOR, mind you) that no one is allowed to wear shorts today. i thought it would be okay since im not in the meet this weekend plus i got hurt, AND the fact that i didnt even know. when i got there i tols her my problem and she was like, "jenna i said no excuses. no shorts today." and i was like "well im UNPREPARED i honestly CANT take my shorts off tonite" and she said "ok then you can not practice with us." i was like, "um OKAY!??!?!" and walked away. did conditioning and stretching all night by myself, i barely talked to anyone. it was SO GAY. RRRROOOAAARRR. i calmed down after an hour and said to myself, "you know what its just whatever, let it go" so i did but now tina thinks that i just try to get out of not wearing shorts everytime. AH! you know.....such petty things. o well. no phone calls tonite either. hoping to have another great day tomorrow....gunna go to bed. * nite all
<3 Jj

do you love me?

aww man [07 Feb 2004|01:12am]
[ mood | blank ]

looking back on past journal entries and comments....i smile and laugh. i remember the feeling i had wehn i wrote each and every one of them....i remember the days, what happned in them , and how i felt. but now writing this im feelin sad, because that is all gone. everythings different now. i miss it....i miss you. i wish i could erase it and start over, maybe i could have been a better person...maybe i coulda tried harder....so so many what if's, driving me insane. i hope i can get to sleep....and where the HELL is my mom. bitch isnt home yet...dont even know whats going on. i have so much to do and i dont feel like doing any of it :(

Tomorrow is michaels birthday....we'll see.

1 butt bud ! do you love me?

holy crap i AM alive.... [06 Feb 2004|10:53pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is me. i am here again TO SAVE THE DAY! lol no, but see i ran out of pages in my writing journal...and i miss my l.j. too, so i resorted to this.

been stuck in this whirl of never-ending bad days...and today i finally broke the mode. when i woke up i was just like...you know what fuck it all. whatever happens, happens, its a new day....and u never know. so things were actually semi-okay today! jeeze it kinda felt relieving. im realizing that i really do have friends and people see things in me that i never evvvver knew.

well my girlies just had their first meet of the season tonite...not bad, not bad. a few places from 2nd to 6th, no firsts tho. its all good. they were so happy about their bags with their names on them....*so cute*!

i am tired as shit....and i have a looong ass weekend ahead of me ---> breakfast, work,runnin to boys jpi meet where i gotta work ::run and flash:: (and sing national anthem....eek!) then if i go...i have to get dressed for the semi formal AT the church farm school and leave from there, sunday i have to be back there early do the first session, and then i am coaching at the level 5's meet....ahh i barely have time to breathe this weekeend man! o well im thinkin it'll be fun.

i need to write in here more often...its good to vent to...lol. laura ---->"vent" i wish you lived in pa and not ny! miss u. and sara...my sara e...get ungrounded you DORK. stop slackin in photo or im gunna kick your ass....thats the best class too. alrite people im out....so0oo0 sleepy. niteynite

do you love me?

and so it seems... [30 Nov 2003|05:56pm]
[ mood | calm ]

a bright cloudy sunset sky

falls on my face

shines my eys to you

outlines my profile in the orange light

im glowing

but only on the outside

on the inside im missing you

only you can make my heart glow

1 butt bud ! do you love me?

that one thursday [18 Nov 2003|10:31pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

what do i do....god what do i do. i was walking back to my apt today....thinking of all the memories....and my face cracked a small smile, while my heart only got another crack from the pain. everywhere i go, everything i see.....it all reminds me of you, it all goes back to you. the flashbacks are killing me and the hurt wells up in the back of my throat and doesnt allow me to speak. no one knows this....this burden, this heavy burden sitting on my chest...all these what if's and why's.loneliness. <----- worst thing in the world. here i am again, where loneliness is my only friend. i just gotta deal with it i guess. im not there yet but i will be. i hope no one reads this anymore......o well. fuck it.

aww jeez...

"I spent my whole life, fighting myself
That I cant win so I'm inviting some help
and every now and then I take rights from left
Im still just like a kid, looking for stripes on my belt
And that there is a fight in itself
So I just pray and hope god
Take a like to myself
No matter how much I try (stay alive)
I'm gunna die mad, still standing there in love with my pride"

1 butt bud ! do you love me?

[19 Oct 2003|01:12pm]
[ mood | loved ]


do you love me?

[09 Oct 2003|03:05pm]
yay i have a friend! sara loves me!
do you love me?

sigh...journal, i missed you [08 Oct 2003|04:02pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

Pisces Feb. 19-Mar. 20
A transformation is in progress, and you may not even recognize yourself when it's complete. Whether you're interested in changing something about your physical, mental or emotional self, you get a great start at making improvements today. The best approach is a slow one, and if you get scared at any point, remember that this is for a good cause -- your self-esteem! Rediscovering yourself can be quite fun if you let it be, and who knows, maybe when all is said and done, you'll find out that you were pretty happy with yourself in the beginning anyway.

HEY ALL. im gunna get better. im in the process of working on myself. its making me happy. i can tell already. its gunna take a while, and its gunna be a scarey ride, but im ready for it. bring it on. probably no one reads this anymore because i completely abandoned it but its all good. me and you journal....thats all that counts, rite?? and HEY if you ARE reading this, and i actually DO have friends...write me a note that says you read my journal...and ill feel loved. <3 well i g2g get ready for pratice. laterrrrr....did i mention that i miss u michael? cause i do.

1 butt bud ! do you love me?

tonight [22 May 2003|09:44pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

i miss you already :( i need your hug and i need to hold you. ((i also ned a massage very badly. MY STUPID BACK!!! grrr)) i still smell you....michael i feel lost without your arms. ome back! help. my father is soon to come and take jaci away, back to that house of his. he'll prolly say something too about earlier...OOOO GREAT. so when jaci leaves, i will be alone, pissed off, AND in pain. what an interesting night this has been. after school i stayed in ms. beck's room to do my homework and stuff with mikey adn then we walked back to his house. His mom drove me and him over to my dad's house for a little "talk" with everyone....him me mike my mom and mikes mom. it was crazy, my father is the most difficult person in the world to reason with, i SWEAR. im not gunna go too much in depth with that...im not in the mood to get all cranky over typing that shit anyway. lets just say i hope we never have to do that again......and that nothing at all got accomplished. BUT afterwards....my mom left for work and me mike and his mom left for mikey's baseball game (he's a PHILLY) and i sat and watched them lose :( ~3-7~ in a beach chair with 2 sweatshirts and a blanket...I WAS COLD OKAY....i felt like an old lady in a wheelchair. then after the game we walked back to his house and watched friends and will and grace until i had to be home to make sure my lil sis got in. but i was so happy tonite....watching you fall asleep in my arms...sleeping on you....i love it. i cant wait for summer. I LOVE YOU. and after saying that....i have to go call you. hehe. ((( and get off the computer before the asshole gets here.....ROAR))) goodbye beautiful.

1 butt bud ! do you love me?

yo journal. no unfortunately im not dead. still here. [08 May 2003|10:58pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

i completely and totally forgot all about my live journal =(....i didnt mean it, i swear! ive been absolutely bust with school and gym and work, and also i have like, no free time to check the computer for anything! i'm with my mikey too much to care about AOL and email and livejournal and all that stuff. i sowwie. wow i dont even know where to start to write in here...like, what do i put! o man. ummm how about instead of this awkard feeling....ill just fill out this lil thing---


ummm i think it was called bringing down the house. i saw it with michael!


at this very moment (haha ALICIA- flashback to mihai "from diiis momennnt..") im reading The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. We just started it today.


old skool days---> candyland! umm, twister, jenga, pictionary, and rumicube

Teen People, cosmogirl, usa gymnastics, and transworld


victorias secret-Love Spell, Ralph Lauren-Ralph, Adidas, the smell of after it rains outside, candles, and new pit blocks! <---alicia! hahaa


sometimes its whatever is sittin in my fridge...


rain on the roof (thunder storms -somtimes-)my favorite music, rockin concerts, the way me and the rest of the choir sound...its beautiful, and guitar

regrets, misunderstanding, invisibility, being put down and talked about and overhearing it


well first im like..." NOOO, i dont wanna wake up yet! shut up clock!" and then im all like, "YAY i cant wait to call michael/ for michael to call and hear his voice!!!"


do you HAVE to ask!?! WENDY"S!


i know of some nice names, but you never really know until it gets to be that time....its not like i've looked thru that book of a billion names

MONEY I WOULD . . . .?

buy a house for my mom, buy her and me a new car, buy mikey a million presents, pay for college, get a dog, and some new clothes.


not yet


yes as a matter of fact i do! why, is there something wrong with that? you got a problem? talk to Puffy!


i have a feeling my first car WILL BE my moms Honda civic or some old piece of junk that i have to buy myself.


i hope by drink that this does not refer to an alcoholic beverage....
but i love to drink: gatorade, bottled water, oj, strawberry milk, snapple, and occasionally mountain dew.

be with Mike all the time, organize my entire room,


sometimes yea


me!?! dye my hair?? are you crazy! i dont think i ever will. if i absolely HAD to though i'd probably make it a little more blonde and red.


2- Hatboro until i was almost 3, and King of Prussia till now.


half full, im a freakin optomist what can i say


GyMnAsTiCs, bball, hockey, baseball, and skateboarding.


Alicia Fracis McCabe is my HEROOOO


under MY bed? my bed's an air matress, but i dont sleep on it. so under my bed would be the floor.


i wont get it back because almost no one will read this and i didnt email it to anybody.


your MOM

do you love me?

.Head.Over.Feet.=). [01 Mar 2003|06:40pm]
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
1 butt bud ! do you love me?

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